The Dark Lord is, After all, Human
by ApplePie777
Summary: Did you ever think about Voldemort? Really truly think? I mean, he does have to eat, and wear shoes and socks. "What kind?" you may ask. Well, in this exclusive issue, we will divulge all Voldie's secret to life. ; Enjoy!
1. Deoderant

Deodorant

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP or anything to do with it._

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Does the Dark Lord wear deodorant?

Well, like, duh‼!

Namely of the brand called Axe.

He says it gives him the manly scent that all those ladies who just _love_ nose-less guys fall for.

(I think he means Bellatrix.)

He also says it makes "them girls swoon 'cuz they just can't stand my mad good looks."

Direct quote there.

(Yep, I'm pretty sure he's talking about Bellatrix.)

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A/N: This is one of a series…what do you guys think?


	2. Clothes

Clothes

_A/N: Reviews = love._

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP or anything to do w/ it._

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Does Voldemort wear socks?

Of course. Did you really think he went barefoot in his shoes? Think of the blisters!

And not the ratty old stained species of socks, but fuzzy ones.

Purple fuzzy ones. With hearts. To warm his toes, you see.

What about shoes?

Does he wear sneakers, converses, or (God forbid) high heels?

He wears boots. Old boots.

Old, crumbling boots.

But he's very attached to them.

They're pink, with "It's a girl thing" embroidered on them in blue silk thread.

Underpants?

He has to, you know. Unless…I won't even think about that.

What kind of trousers?

Jeans, baddy cargo pants, or formal pressed ones?

He likes those saggy basketball shorts.

He claims the ladies *Cough* BELLATRIX! *cough* love them.

I am rather inclined to ignore that evil old lord.

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A/N: Again, do you like it? Hate it? You tell me.


	3. Sleeping

Sleeping

_A/N: Reviews = love._

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP or anything to do w/ it._

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What does he sleep in anyway?

A nightgown, frilly and flowing. With a little cap to go with it, too. (Imagine that if you dare.)

On Wednesdays, though, it's a matching pajama set. They're canary yellow, with Tweety Bird icons a-plenty.

Does he brush his teeth before he goes to bed?

Nah. What self respecting evil lord would? Come on, people! His breath is therefore foul. Though if you ask Bellatrix (oh, she _would_ know), she would disagree and most likely throw a hissy fit. So don't.

Where does he sleep?

In a black, gloomy house, on a black, gloomy bed, in his prissy little nightie. Old codger.

Funtastic, right?

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A/N: The lavender button beckons you.


	4. Weight Issues

Weight

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP._

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Is Voldemort buff? Skinny? Fat?

Well, he used to be sorta plump, but he went to a gym, killed the owners, and worked out for a while.

Imagine THAT if you dare.

Then he became buff and Bella couldn't look _away _from the sexy beast.

(She thinks noses and skin color are "totally over_rated_!")

Now, he grew lazy and watched American Idol and eats tomato chips. Seriously. Tomato. Potatoes remind him of Snape, which make him want to shampoo his non-existant hair.

And excessive shampooing on his scalp make it dry and itchy.

Which makes the chance of being killed by him just because you said "hi!" increase from 60% to 95%.

So he's a bit fat again. He buys slimming black robes and cries for _hours_ in front of the mirror.

Poor sensitive soul.

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A/N: Okay, any ideas for the next one? I want reader input, people. 


	5. Love Life

A/N: This wasn't my best…wait for more!

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Love life 3

Is he married?

Heck, no way. Can you imagine him a in a bridal dress?

Plus, the only people who find Voldie attractive are Bella, Wormtail, and YOUR MOM‼‼

Sorry. Was that off-limits?

But he has a love life.

He once dated Quirrel's iguana, but the iguana, Phil, dumped Voldemort. He was devastated.

He continues to reject Bella, because of her…fondness…for licking people's arms. It can be a put-off at fancy restaurants.

But _she _says they taste different. Hers is cherry-flavored.

Voldemort's is prune.

Volders and Snape had a brief fling, but they agree that it would never work out: Snape thought Voldie was Madam Pompfrey in the dark. Voldie was greatly insulted. "Poopy old bat‼" he says with a pout, when we ask him about the experience.

But the Dark Lord still has hopes of his first love. Right now, we can see Phil and Voldie talking, and Voldemort is flirting…

…Phil is licking his own eyeballs.

I don't know if that's a good sign or not.


End file.
